Building Relationships With Students – Become The Hero Your Pupils Need

In this inspiring article, Zena Zenonos-Walker explains, in her own words, her process behind building better relationships with students. She discusses her own experience during school, how she got into teaching, and the specific steps she has taken during her teaching career to building positive relationships with her students.

My quest to building better relationships with my students was a long process, and I think It’s worth pointing out that becoming a teacher was never really something I saw myself doing…

My father spent five years relentlessly trying to persuade me to do my PGCE and, for most of that time, I had no idea how I would explain the reasons why becoming a teacher filled me with such dread. I genuinely could not think of anything worse.

I did not have a happy school experience. It has taken years of reflection and deep soul-searching to understand why, and when I eventually became a teacher nearly 16 years ago, things became very clear. 

I was bullied, which was never taken seriously, and my teachers had very low expectations of me. 

How could I tell this? The way they spoke to me, the written feedback in my books and the fact that even when I had achieved better grades than some of my peers in assessments, this was just seen as a ‘fluke’, so I was moved to lower sets instead of them. 

Spending my time trying to convince my teachers I was much more than their immovable expectations and judgments of me meant that I never felt I like I truly belonged.

This led to years of seeking validation from people I didn’t need it from to believe I was good; a good mum, a good teacher, a good friend, a good wife, a good senior leader, a good person. 

So, why did I choose to become a teacher? I chose to be the teacher I never had. My first six months were arduous. I clashed with the same ‘challenging’ students week in, week out, and by the end of some lessons, I would be in the crying corner of the staffroom wishing the weeks away.

One day, after another pitiful lesson with 10X, I was asked a simple question: “Have you tried to build a relationship with them?”

Something needed to change, and it wasn’t going to be my students. I observed some wonderful, experienced teachers around the school to find ways to make a difference. 

One day, after another pitiful lesson with 10X, I was asked a simple question: “Have you tried to build a relationship with them?” 

It was an honest question, but I was deeply offended. “Erm, yes?” I replied, not quite keeping eye contact. 

“Okay, so tell me what you know about them personally. What do they like? What is their favourite music, colour, book, food?” 

Red in the face, I knew I was busted – I didn’t have a clue! Advice during my PGCE and NQT year varied. Many people had told me not to smile for the first term and to take on a no-nonsense approach before considering letting my guard down. 

You Must Be Seen As Approachable When Building Relationships With Students

On reflection, I could see that this was precisely the reason why I struggled with building relationships with some students. To them, I was unapproachable, and when I tried to be fun, they never believed I was being ‘real’. 

Making the decision to build positive, meaningful relationships with my students was easy. Actually building relationships with students, however, was a whole new ball game. Just when I thought I had cracked it, something would happen and I would be back at square one, feeling deflated, hurt and exhausted.

Building Relationships With Students Takes Time

Relationships are not built in a day: they are built daily, and one thing I have learned is that this needs to be done alongside an unconditional, positive regard, especially for children and young people that have suffered adverse childhood experiences.

So What Does It Look Like When Building Relationships With Students?

Meeting and greeting your students at the door with a smile

This will make them feel welcome. For children with chaotic home lives, often difficult to navigate, this goes a heck of a long way to making them feel wanted.

A genuine feeling of belonging

Students want to come to your lessons because they feel safe in the environment you have worked so hard to build. Children and young people who talk about what belonging feels like will often say that they feel seen by their teachers. 

They respect you

Because you have shown them what it looks and feels like to be respected.

Mistakes are made and that’s okay

Because everyone makes mistakes. That’s how we learn! Early on in your journey to building relationships with students, mistakes will inevitably happen!

Your students will trust you with their vulnerabilities

Knowing that you will not judge them or belittle them, even when they have got things wrong and made mistakes. This is a huge factor in building better relationships with your students.

Apologising when you are wrong

Not only does this show your students that you make mistakes too, but you own them and want to learn from them. If you see a young person’s face when you apologise, it often comes as a shock! How are we to teach children to behave if we do not model this when we really need to?

You will care about your students unconditionally

And hold zero grudges, ensuring that even when things have not been great in one lesson, the relationship will be repaired so that ‘we start a fresh’ in the next one.

You have changed the language

Around the children you teach, which has supported your view of that child and the behaviours they display. A good way to think of this is: A difficult child is a child with difficulties. A child that is attention-seeking is actually attention-needing. 

High expectations are consistent

And routines in your class are clear – we all do this, including me as your teacher.

It is important to remember that the culture and values you hold in your classroom will have a direct impact on the behaviour and the relationships you build with your students.

Consider what they are. How will you ensure that you uphold these during every lesson, every day?

Reflect on your own school experience. Who were your most memorable teachers and why? What did these teachers do to make an impact on you? And finally, consider how you would like to be remembered. What do you want your legacy to be? Write this down and tell your students about this.

Relationships can be built regardless of the policies and systems in place. They will take a lot of time and huge emotional investment.

There will be days where you feel on top of the world because you know the connection was made, and others where you wonder why you bothered. 

You will make mistakes in your own quest to building relationships with students. You’ll probably say the wrong things and sometimes feel so angry your eyes turn red.

But I can assure you this, one day you will be spoken about by someone whose life you changed when they were young. Someone who saw you as their unconditional champion. 

You may receive a message in years to come that says…

“Thank you. For everything you did for me. I know I wasn’t easy, but you never gave up on me. You made me feel like I wasn’t a failure and that meant something. It meant a lot and I wanted you to know.”

Message received in February 2018 – young person last seen in August 2007

Zena Zenonos-Walker has been in education for fifteen years, eight as a senior leader and is currently a Leadership Consultant in a school in Bradford. School wasn’t easy though, and for many years Zena refused to accept the possibility that teaching would be a career she would consider. Drama however, played a vital role in Zena’s education and for this reason, felt it her mission to ensure that all students had a memorable school experience. Zena is most passionate about relationships and how these foundations are a crucial and positive aspect of everyone’s teaching and leadership career. ‘The impact of building meaningful relationships with students is so powerful. Not only for you, but the students you teach’.